I have been putting off this final blog about the Contemplative Formation program, because I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. I have just had lunch with my friend Mary Ann, and I think she helped me with a few perceptive questions.
When I said that the program had been life-changing, she asked me in what way, as she felt I had been very contemplative for years. I think that I've been unaware of this, actually. I admit that I've had other people (including my spiritual director) tell me this as well, since I started the program. But the label was not one I would have given myself. So what I gained in particular from this program was a realization that being contemplative on a daily basis for the rest of my life is what I really want. By using the label "contemplative" it gives a real sense of direction to my journey.
Previously, I was reading a lot of religious texts, trying various practices, praying for others, going to church, etc., but merely because I felt drawn to it, but not because I knew what I was doing. I was taking a scattershot approach to becoming more spiritual: reading this book or that, trying one type of prayer or another, but not really having a method to my madness. It was only when I heard our facilitator of the small group say to us about three months into the program that "You have been called to this since birth ..." at that moment, I really felt "yes, this is what I want and this is what God wants for me." The search for a roadmap is over, but I still have a long journey ahead of me.
My life has changed, because each day I try to be awake to God's blessings and presence in the people around me. I think of my personal heroes, missioners who gave me full attention when we were together, and I strive to do that with the people I encounter. It's not always easy. After church recently, a man who occasionally comes to my church sat across from me at the coffee hour and began to speak to me. He engaged in a long rambling story, and I soon realized he had some serious psychological issues, but the only gift I could give him was to listen. He occasionally asked me questions, but since I couldn't follow his train of thought, all I could do was nod. When he finally finished his discourse, the only thing I could think of to say was, "I am glad we [the church] were able to provide you with a short time of peace in this tempestuous world." He thanked me, and we parted with good feelings.
I used a quote from Pope Francis in one of our acknowledgment letters recently, and it seems appropriate here: "Whatever we have can bear fruit if we give it away - that is what Jesus wants to tell us - and it does not matter whether it is great or small. The Lord does great things with our littleness." I felt pretty little in my time with the gentleman at my church; I just pray for great things to result. I hope he will return, we are all broken and we all need places where we fill welcome.
I was pleased with the final bit of our last weekend; we had an actual graduation ceremony, which I didn't expect. It reminded me of MKLM's Covenant Signing ceremony for new missioners. The missioners are called forward one by one, sign the Lay Missioner Covenant in front of the staff, and then receive a hug from the Director and their witnesses. Then all missioners, current and former, recite the Covenant together. For our graduation, we were called forward to receive a prayer shawl and a congratulatory hug from the facilitators, then we signed a book containing the names of all who have completed the program, and the facilitators read us a pledge to be Contemplatives.
After ten months containing many hours of discussion and sharing, doing practices each day, it felt a fitting end as we all committed to remaining pilgrims on the journey toward God and helping others find their way. I have a confidence now that I didn't have before. An ability to face death with peace in my heart, and an understanding that there will be ups and downs along the way, but the journey will be ever forward. I can't wait to find out what's around the next corner. Pray for me, and I'll pray for you.
