What follows is a Spiritual Autobiography I put together with the help of a couple of friends. It was meant to be shared in person and presented aloud. So packing 68 years of spiritual life into 30 minutes was a challenge, but also I think worthwhile. Here's what I came up with.
Introduction
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” John 1:1
As I looked back on my spiritual journey, I became aware that my love of reading and the spoken word has had a tremendous impact on choices I made, and these loves will undoubtedly continue to influence my choices. I can point to quotes from authors such as C. S. Lewis, Kathleen Norris, Thomas Merton, and others that have been influential in my understanding of myself. I have also found the words of friends, colleagues, and my spiritual director have helped me make decisions along the way. In going through this autobiography process, I have discovered these words still have the power to move me. So, I have broken my life into “Steps” in my journey and led off each step with a quote that played a role in that period of my life.
Step 1: My Baptism and Childhood Christianity
“Richard Lee Gatjens, you are sealed by the Holy Spirit in Baptism and marked as Christ’s own forever.”
Those words from the Book of Common Prayer were undoubtedly spoken at my baptism at St. Paul’s Episcopal Church in Seattle, Washington. I was a baby, and I have no memory of that event. I don’t even remember talking about it, but I did know that I was baptized Episcopalian. It would be 45 years after my baptism before it led me back into an Episcopal church to worship. I find it intriguing that this ceremony would shape my future spiritual life so profoundly.
My family moved out of Seattle to a rural area 20 miles north, when I was less than 2 years old. My parents were concerned about our spiritual upbringing, yet when the time came to pick a church, my parents did not choose a local Episcopal church. They chose Alderwood Manor Community Church, a non-doctrinal Protestant church, because it was close and they had an active children’s program. I remember going to Summer Bible School there. Each day would begin with us singing “Onward Christian Soldiers” outside the church, before proceeding to the undercroft to listen to Bible stories and create pictures of Jesus Christ surrounded by children and sheep.
But I never developed a feeling of belonging to the Community Church. In junior high, I thought about becoming a priest, but I remember meeting with a friend’s father who was a minister and telling him that I had no idea what faith I belonged to.
Step 2: Separation from the Christian Faith
“I don’t believe there is anything after death, and I’m glad.”
I had a classmate in high school, Debbie, who made this pronouncement at a play rehearsal. For most of my young life, I had been afraid of dying. I had been raised a Christian, but I had severe doubts about the existence of God and an afterlife. I had spent many sleepless nights worrying over what would happen to my “soul” after death. To hear Debbie say that she had no fear of death gave me pause. What was so terrible about nothingness? I think this was a turning point in my willingness to admit to myself that I was an agnostic or atheist. God was on the backburner of my life for the next 25 years. I don’t think this made me a bad person, but it perhaps made me an emptier person. I was still guided by the same ethics and morals instilled in me as a child, I just didn’t see God in it.
In college, I had a friend who practiced Transcendental Meditation. I was interested, so he taught me a way to meditate with him. Meditation of various sorts would continue to arise and recede as a spiritual practice from then onwards. Currently, I love the practice of Centering Prayer, which is a form of Christian meditation. In college, I was not seeking interaction with the divine, however, but looking for a way to calm my own inner self, as I can be prone to anxious, sleepless nights over even little mistakes.
Step 3: The Big Leap
“I ate apple pie and ice cream—it was getting better as I got deeper into Iowa, the pie bigger, the ice cream richer.”--Jack Kerouac, On the Road
In March of 1978, I got on a Continental Trailways bus bound for New York City. One of my favorite novels at the time was Jack Kerouac’s On the Road, in which he traces various trips he made back and forth from coast to coast. On his first trip, he talks about how he didn’t have much money to spend on food, so he thought apple pie and ice cream was the cheapest, yet still nutritious, thing he could eat. On my four-and-a-half-day trip I had more than one apple pie and ice cream in tribute. I also found a salvation, of sorts, in Iowa.
I grew afraid as the bus pulled out of Seattle, wondering what I was doing. I had $750 in my pocket traveling across the country to a place I had never been, with only my friend Debbie in New York City to help me get set up. Yet somewhere in Iowa, I began to feel calmer, more confident, and from that point on I felt that I was going to be all right. That no matter what happened, I would find a way to continue.
I spoke to my TM friend afterwards about the trip, and he told me that the TM organization had a headquarters in Iowa, and one of the things they do there is send out positive vibes to the world around them. So as my bus drew closer, in his opinion, I received more and stronger vibes from them. I am skeptical of this particular interpretation, but I do believe that positive thoughts can have an impact on other people, so who knows? Their work may have had an impact on me on that lonely bus ride. If so, thank you!
Another interesting event of the trip happened when my bus pulled into Cleveland, Ohio. We had a dinner break, and while I was waiting for the bus to leave, I found a newspaper with an ad for a play that was being performed just around the corner from the bus station. One of the performers was a college friend of mine, Karen. I had no idea she was in Cleveland. It seemed too preordained to ignore. I found out I could take a later bus, so I went to the theater and got there just in time for the curtain call at the end of the play. I stood backstage as Karen came off. She took me back to her apartment so we could talk and I could take a shower before catching the next bus to New York. Looking back, it feels like this was a chance to say good-bye to my life in Seattle. I was committed to a new place and life that Seattle had prepared me for.
Step 4: New Start in New York
Interviewer: “How can I make myself want God enough to enable myself to find him?”
C. S.:“If you don’t want God, why are you so anxious to want to want him? … I should say that this person has in fact found God. … At any rate, what is more important is that God has found this person, and that is the main thing.”--C.S. Lewis in a radio interview.
I met Mary at American Management Association in 1981. We were just friends until she was laid off. This prompted us to step up the relationship that has lasted until this day. It was not a storybook romance. We have dealt with a number of issues over the years, some I found very difficult to handle. Eventually I found myself spending lunch hours at St. Thomas Episcopal Church at midtown, looking for peace and space to think.
When I thought about why I had chosen St. Thomas as my refuge, I began to wonder if this was a return to church. Had God found me again in New York City? I felt drawn first to investigate the Episcopal church because of my baptism. I had been reading Kathleen Norris’s book Dakota, and one passage about her return to South Dakota particularly resonated with me:
“T.S. Eliot wrote, ‘The end of all our exploring/Will be to arrive where we started/And know the place for the first time.’ Against all odds, I rediscovered the religion I was born to, and found in it a home.”
A friend of mine at work was a practicing Catholic, and I felt I could talk to him about my feelings. He would go to mass at St. Patrick’s at noontime, and I found a nearby Episcopal church that also had noontime mass. We would compare notes afterwards. I did not feel comfortable sharing this with Mary, because she was a committed EX Catholic and generally opposed to organized religion.
Eventually, I found an Episcopal church in my neighborhood and told Mary what I was up to; she surprised me by how supportive she was. She didn’t want to go to church with me, but she encouraged me to follow my instincts and became good friends with my priest, Father Larry.
I believe my faith enabled me to deal better with subsequent crises, and I think Mary and I are both closer and happier as a result.
Step 5: Maryknoll
“We are called to serve one another, to walk humbly with God.”--David Haas
"Pay attention. This will be over in a blink of an eye."--Joe Regotti
I was still in the early stages of finding God in the Episcopal Church when I came to work at Maryknoll Mission Association of the Faithful. It turned out to be the perfect place for me to be. If I wanted to discuss spiritual matters, there was an abundance of people willing to do that with me. Two people who played the largest role in my development spiritually were Joe Regotti and Jean Walsh, two lay missioners who had returned from mission when Joe was found to have a brain tumor. For thirteen years Joe was on staff and he was a frequent lunch companion. He was a real mentor to me and helped me see my own relationship with God more clearly. Jean was my partner in anti-racism activities and epitomized to me hospitality and spiritual joy. No one I know has a more full-bodied laugh than her.
Other missioners and staff prompted conversations that made me feel more confident in my spirituality. I felt better able to share my faith thanks to their encouragement. Thanks to my work at Maryknoll, I was also able to take the next step, which enhanced my spiritual life more than any step so far.
Step 6: Contemplative Formation Program at Mariandale
“Just say yes.”
This is a phrase frequently intoned by my spiritual director and the instructors at Mariandale. It was a long winding road to the program that would impact my spiritual life more than any other event. It began when I was having lunch with a friend, Karen. In the days before our lunch, I felt I should ask her about spiritual direction. I had thought off and on that it might be helpful to me in my efforts to draw closer to God, yet I wasn’t even sure exactly what it was. Nor did I understand why I was feeling compelled to ask my friend. I had no idea of her relationship, if any, to the process. But I asked her anyway, just saying yes to the impulse.
“Funny you should ask.” she said. “I know a Maryknoll Sister who is a spiritual director and is looking for new clients.” Karen gave me the sister’s e-mail, who agreed to have lunch with me. Then she decided she didn’t really want any new clients, but would have lunch with me anyway. At the end of our lunch, which I enjoyed very much, she told me, “I can give you names of possible directors, but what I want to really recommend is that you take the Contemplative Formation program.”
I took her advice and applied for the program. It was like applying for college: filling out forms, collecting references, attending interviews. After finally being accepted, they told me I had to get a spiritual director to be part of the program. I had come full circle. I ended up working with a former lay missioner, Jeanine, who had recently gotten certified. I have enjoyed and continued the spiritual direction experience with her.
I found the program challenging at first, but eventually I realized this was where I needed to be. It has altered my daily life, so that I am more outward thinking. It has made me happy and feel that I am really on the right track to becoming a better person. I feel so grateful that God has led me to this place, even if I never saw it coming.
Step 7: Where I am now and Where I am going
"Our last five minutes on earth are running out. We can spend those moments in meanness ... or we can spend them consciously embracing every glowing soul who wanders within our reach."--Alice Walker
So where has my journey brought me? It has brought me to a place where I realize I am never going to hear God’s voice telling me what to do, like King Arthur does in Monty Python’s Holy Grail. The path ahead is never obvious, but I move forward by trusting my own instincts. I think that Thomas Merton best expressed where I am in my journey today and where it might lead.
